It took me about a year to go to the doctors, since my symptoms started. At first I thought they’d go away by themselves, the thoughts, I’ve felt like that before and it was over in about two months. I was scared. It took me half a year to tell my boyfriend what vile thoughts I’ve been having about cheating on him, and that I deserve to be dumped and not loved by anyone again. The harder I tried to stop thinking about them, the more of them appeared and the more of my day was dedicated to pacing about my room, sweating, trying to “explain” or “undo” the thoughts I had. To persuade myself that they weren’t real. I kept telling my boyfriend that “it wasn’t me.”

When I opened up to my parents, they said it’s my boyfriend’s fault and that I should dump him if he makes me feel like I’m cheating. They didn’t understand a single word I was saying to them. I felt alone, and stuck. For months, I wasn’t able to get a good night’s sleep or eat very well. The more time passed, the worse I got. My compulsions became physical. I stopped wearing nice clothes or make up. Blocked people on social media, stopped talking to a lot of good friends, but none of it lifted the constant guilt and anxiety I had over cheating.

Then, when my boyfriend finally persuaded me to get a doctor’s appointment, after I kept “confessing” to him as a compulsion. My step-mother told me not to go because they’d “just put you on antidepressants” and said to try and eat better and exercise instead. When I did finally go, I was on a waiting list for therapy for about 2 months and ended up not being able to make the appointment times. This dragged, I moved to uni and struggled to make friends, outside of a small group. Going out was a complete an absolute no. This lasted until last summer, when I finished CBT over the telephone, and learnt to manage the OCD.

I wasn’t cured, or freed of it. The thoughts are still there, but they don’t bother me anymore, unless I’m under more stress than usual, but I have the tools to snap out of the anxious circle almost immediately.

Why did it take me so long to tell someone about the suffering I went through inside? I thought OCD was something else. I looked online and no mental health problem “suited” my symptoms. I was desperate and sometimes ready to self harm… I felt like the constant vile reoccurring thoughts I’d had were mine and that it just meant that I am a bad person and had to learn to deal with it. I’d always thought OCD was about people who put things in order or clean too much. This awful stigma on OCD actually made it very hard for me to get diagnosed early, and is a symptom and problem for many people who suffer in silence for literal decades.

This is what I want to spread awareness of and about. It is why I will never be okay with “I’m a little bit OCD” used as a casual comment. OCD is a DISORDER, there is nothing positive about it. I’m not here to blame people, but when I hear a misconception I explain it politely. I wouldn’t wish the constant anxiety caused by OCD on anybody. IMG_20170707_205128

To find out more about OCD you can visit ocduk.org and  ocdaction.org.uk

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25 Comments

  1. October 9, 2017 / 11:17 pm

    I like the diversity in your topics, miss lady. Your blog posts are very well written. This post mind you, I’m glad everything was resolved for you. No one should be made to suffer.

    I actually found your blog through twitter while looking for new blogs to follow.

  2. October 11, 2017 / 7:04 pm

    Great post and very educational about OCD. I totally agree with your comments especially comments like “I’m a little bit OCD” They are not helpful. I hope by you sharing blogs like this, it encourages more people to speak out and see the help they need. Thank you for sharing.

    • October 11, 2017 / 7:08 pm

      Thank you, I want to spread the word because unfortunately, not a lot of people know about the reality of this disorder.

  3. October 11, 2017 / 7:09 pm

    You have no idea how much I respect you to put this out there in the open. People with OCD or any other mental disorder need to read this, hopefully it’ll help them to get help, if they’re too scared to do so.

    • October 11, 2017 / 7:26 pm

      Thank you, I really appreciate your comment. I hope that I can help as many people as I can, especially by busting mental health myths one at a time.

  4. lisamclachlan
    October 11, 2017 / 7:31 pm

    I had no idea that OCD could manifest as acute anxiety either. Like you, I thought it was just people who liked things clean, neat and tidy. Your post is a real eye opener, thank you for being so honest and sharing your experiences. I’m so sorry it took you so long to get diagnosed, and I hope that your honesty will help raise awareness of a disorder that, I think, is still very largely misunderstood. X

    Lisa | http://www.lisasnotebook.com

    • October 11, 2017 / 7:36 pm

      Thanks for your comment and reading, I’m glad you learnt something new from my post (without sounding patronising). I just hope to get the word out there so that people can get help when they need to, without feeling judged.

  5. October 11, 2017 / 8:06 pm

    Very well written! People use these kind of terms so easily, but that in turn makes harder for people to actually recognise when things are wrong. and more so to want to admit it! It sounds like you have had a hard time, but hopefully it will get better for you from now!

    • October 11, 2017 / 9:07 pm

      Yes! It’s really the real life effect it has on people being diagnosed early enough. Thanks for reading and commenting and the kind words. Thankfully I’ve been managing really well now ^-^

      • October 12, 2017 / 6:22 pm

        I am so glad to hear you have been! It can be a long road!

  6. lalaylovesblog
    October 13, 2017 / 11:05 pm

    Thank you so much for writing this I thought OCD was a completely different disorder I’m so glad I read this and was informed!

    • October 13, 2017 / 11:35 pm

      I’m glad too, thanks for taking the time to read. 🙂

  7. October 13, 2017 / 11:10 pm

    I really appreciate you sharing your story. There’s more information about mental illnesses but there’s still a long way to go. I suffer with depression and anxiety and before I got help, I had so many people tell me that if I exercised more I would feel better. So sharing personal stories I feel will help.

  8. October 13, 2017 / 11:30 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing this. The more people understand OCD the better!

  9. October 13, 2017 / 11:31 pm

    This is a great post! It definelty made me understand OCD a bit more!
    Panda x | thealienb4by.wordpress.com

    • October 13, 2017 / 11:36 pm

      Thats awesome 🙂 thanks for checking it out

  10. October 14, 2017 / 12:19 am

    Powerful post keep it up💛

  11. October 14, 2017 / 12:26 am

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I completely agree, it annoys me when people use OCD in passing when they don’t have it, I feel the same way about people using the terms depression and anxiety too x

  12. October 14, 2017 / 6:52 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. I didn’t know this about OCD, so thanks for educating me!

  13. October 16, 2017 / 7:32 am

    This was very brave of you to share! I also hate the comment “I’m a little OCD” for the same reason. Great post!

  14. October 17, 2017 / 7:19 pm

    Well done for going to the doctors and getting help, I know how hard it can be. This post was so well written and informative to read xx

    • October 17, 2017 / 7:33 pm

      Thank you for reading and the feedback x yeas, I find that a lot of people struggle to take that initial step of getting the right help. I definitley felt like I was being judged for attention seeking, rather than really needing help.

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