I’ve been missing for a long while, but if you follow me on all those nasty debilitating social media platforms such as twitter and instagram, you will know why.
Since around May I have been busy finishing my degree. It was pretty tough trying to write in between finishing a final porrfolio and trying to find a “real job.” Throughout uni I have tried my best, fighting against mental health issues so I could complete my degree to the standard that reflected me and cram some work experience in there as well.
The whole of my third year of university could be summarised as me sitting by my window overlooking the canal in the night, doing tarot readings and trying not to cry about having to leave my beautiful apartment very soon. (I do wish I had re-booked it.) Day in and out I was afraid that I did a “mickey mouse” subject without any job opportunities and started researching postgraduate diplomas in computer scicence in a burst of panic which I’m so used to. OCD does teach you that you nees to act to relieve anxiety and stupidly thats what I did.
I’d suffered a few but serious breakdowns due to this overload and need to control everything, where I felt like none of my work meant anything because I was a Polac and Polacs get werehouse jobs, not nice middle class jobs. After all, I hadn’t even felt welcome in my retail job because a lot of the older costumers disliked the slight “twang” in my accent. It was even more discouraging to me because I’d spent most of my second year at uni applying for placements I couldn’t get with without previous experience. The massess of rejections drove me mad, because although I knew I wasn’t brilliant, I knew I wasn’t dumb.
After completing most of my university assignments I had decided to apply for jobs. I didn’t realise that making my CV public on jobsites would lead me to my professional job before graduating.
I got a last minute call before even ending university about a copywrtier role, and got the job. I was incredibly grateful, and things rolled from there. Now I’m looking for an apartment and realise I can do a creative writing MA and it doesn’t matter if it’s considered “mickey mouse” if I enjoy it and manage to monetise it. It turned out that people are generally impressed with the experience I managed to gather.
I guess the point of this post is to say that often we are afraid of the things we can’t control and being 19-23 is the worst time for these sorts of feelings. What I can say from experience is that we’re like a car driving in a heavy fog and can only see our next seconds of driving. But hey, stay on the road, you might end up on a mountain.